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A Cryptic Enigma (The Mystery of Love)

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Welcome to another edition of Vivus Vita (Living Life). Today’s topic is about that cryptic enigma, love, or rather the mystery of love.

Love can be and often is a mystery. Do you always understand why you love someone? Not as easy a question to answer as you may think.

I have experienced little of love in my life. There was plenty in my first years. Those wonderful, slightly less than five years I have often longed to return to. I knew nothing but the unconditional love of my beloved Mama and my darling Papa. There was never any doubt whatever happened they would always care and protect me, though at the time I had no notion of what it is like to be threatened or in danger.

In the years that followed, I, for very good reason, lost all belief that I would ever know love again. But, when I grew into adulthood the notion of love was something I heard people often discuss, especially my female peers. Many appeared preoccupied with the idea of falling in love. Whatever that meant. I had no concept of such a thing for myself. However, their constant excitement made me wonder why they considered it so important and what it was all about. Events, however, overtook me rather quickly and threw me into a time when love was far from my thoughts. Those were brutal, dark days in which love, or even the concept of love, had no place. It was therefore some time before the idea of love came back into my life, and then it was not on the most propitious of bases.

After all I had been through in those intervening years, I could have done with breathing space. However, it was not to be. Things speedily unfolded, rather too quickly for my liking, to the point where I had to try and fathom what love is in short time. And, what it should be in my life. Society, from time immemorial, has sought to define and understand love. Philosophers, psychologists, human behaviourists, counsellors, poets, authors, artists, and more, have all had a go. In their search for comprehension, several have resorted to categorisation, suggesting love is subject to the type of relationship, parental, sibling, spouse, friend, lover (most often used to define a sexual connection), and so on. But how did all this relate to me? What does to love someone really mean? The categorisations are obvious and the idea that love is a component is a forgone conclusion, or should be. Nevertheless, it still did not provide the answer to what love actually is.

Though I had no thought of it, had no conception of it ever happening, and did not really want it at the time, I ended up married. Some who know my story may wonder how it was possible for me to love the man who would betray and brutalise me. Indeed, I have questioned that myself. But, the truth is I did. I want to make clear I would never have married without some sense of love, at least on my part. It is sad to see people marry for any other reason. It can hardly surprise them when things do not work out.

For generations, though it seems more pronounced in modern days, many people’s approach to love appears to be egotistical and self-centred. To them, love is about what they feel, what they want, what is in it for them. That is very sad. For me, love is always about the other person. How I may make them happy, care for them, provide for them, and enhance their life. I am not being self-righteous. It is how my Mama taught me and what I believe.

I mentioned earlier how some, in their search to understand love, opted for categorisation. That does not really help. Each relationship is different and therefore the nature of their love is also different. However, all those loves have one constant, or should have. A genuine concern for the wellbeing, happiness, success, and so on, of the person loved. True love will give up its own ambitions where they appear to be detrimental to the fulfilment of those sacred aims. I sincerely believe authentic love is about the other person, not our own pleasure, delight, need, or feelings.

Genuine love, if it is truly genuine, is always about the other person. If anyone has any other concept for entering into a relationship or partnership, they really need to stop and seriously consider what they are doing. Without that genuine love, the relationship nearly always fails. That is painful and soul destroying for both parties, and for any others involved, children, for instance.

To me, when you care for someone, for whatever reason, your primary desire and motivation is for the wellbeing, success, and happiness of that person. That was most certainly true for me with my husband, with who I simply wanted to build a happy home and family. Sadly, that would never be, but that is another story. That aside, I may safely say this selfless love is assuredly mine with my son. I will do anything for him, no matter what.

With romantic love, for want of a better term, we hope the happiness of our partner will be with us. However, we accept that may not always be the case. Even when it is not, we, if we truly care about them, will still want the best for them. In these days, when so many separations are devastatingly acrimonious, that may sound incongruous. I believe true love is always about the other person, no matter what. We will always want them to find happiness and success, even if their actions have disappointed or hurt us.

Most people who have examined the concept of love will affirm, whether or not acknowledged by the individual, we are each born with an inherent yearning, some will say need, to be loved. I also believe, though it is not usually referred to, that we have an inbuilt desire to love.

True love is beautiful and a joy. We may not be able to define exactly what it is about the other person that causes us to love them, but, to re-emphasise the point, in our hearts we know our primary concern is their happiness and success.

True love is always about the other person.

I hope each of you has either found or will find such authentic love for yourself and for the other person.

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