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The Cornerstone of Self-Respect

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Welcome to another edition of Vivus Vita (Living Life). Today’s topic is about the cornerstone of self-respect.

In my life, I have had to face many challenges and difficulties, which, in my earlier years, often undermined what I thought about myself. I think that was partly because I was so young, and partly due to me not understanding why what was being done to me was being done. That really is demoralising and depressing. The sense of value I had in the very first years of my life evaporated. It seemed to me that if these people considered it appropriate to treat me the way they did that I must therefore not have any worth. Worse was how I felt that, for reasons I did not comprehend, I must deserve the abuse. I must have done something wrong that merited their treatment.

I have since realised none of that was true. I did not deserve their abuse. I had value. For a while, they had succeeded in destroying my sense of self-respect. Something you will find I frequently refer to. That is because I have come to understand it is a primary cornerstone and foundation for, and in, our lives. Without it we are vulnerable to the world’s and people’s cruelties. There are so many who want to take advantage of and subjugate the innocent and naïve. They often demand everything is to be done their way, even if that compromises the beliefs and values of another. That is never right.

Self-respect, which sadly appears to be on the decline in our world, is what enables us to stand up to these people. It is about us valuing and accepting who we are, even if we do not always like some aspect of ourselves. We can always change those or, if not, accept and recognise them as something special and unique to us. Whatever you, or anyone else, may think, none of those irritations will ever impact our worth. They may be annoying, but it is our essential self we should be focussing on. That is who we are, who we have been made, and to whom we should be loyal. We are each special and unique. Though there may be some similarities in character, looks, personality, worldview, and so on, there is in fact only one of us. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Even identical twins are not the same in every respect. We all have value and our own individual worth. We are unique.

As soon as we can, we need to determine and understand what our beliefs, principles, and boundaries are to be in life. These guide us and help us throughout, especially when a decision has to be made. Consistently standing by our beliefs and values increases our sense of fulfilment and confidence. Naturally, as human beings, there may be times when we fail, but those occasions do not change who we are or what we value, or our own worth. We may feel less than we are for a while and detest ourselves for having given in, but in short time we stand up, I hope, recognise our mistake, and reassert who we are along with our principles and beliefs. Everyone makes mistakes, and mistakes are things we learn from, or should be. Though not easy, we, on such occasions, need to forgive ourselves or at least ensure we understand why we gave in. It is important to remember that a mistaken action does not negate our worth. Our value remains unchanged.

Sometimes, especially if we have received a harsh battering, we need to return to the establishment of what our beliefs, principles, and boundaries are. That again does not negate who we are or our worth. It is simply that the vagaries of life have brought us to the point of having to reassess. In most instances, I would suggest, the values we first held still hold good, even if we have to make some slight adjustments to how we portray them.

It is often hard to say ‘no’ when someone is pressing us to do or engage in something that goes against our principles, or that we see as wrong. None of us likes to feel, or be, rejected. However, to compromise will make us feel worse. There is also the truth that often those who have been trying to press us into something inappropriate or wrong will in fact respect us for having had the courage to resist and stand up for what we believe. It may not be immediately obvious because many do not like to be thwarted in their desires and aims, but beneath the surface, and usually more openly later, their respect will steadily manifest. I have frequently been surprised how, after making such a refusal, the demanding person has come to see me as a friend to be trusted.

Self-respect is about recognising our own worth, values, and principles, and the boundaries we will not cross, and sticking up for them, without becoming arrogant or conceited. It is also about treating others with respect. There is an old saying, ‘Treat others the way you want to be treated’. That is a good principle to live by. We may not always see the philosophy reciprocated, but it nevertheless remains a valid form of behaviour that many will positively respond to. Do not undervalue how doing the ‘right thing’ creates a positive experience for those around you. We should always behave in ways that align with our values and beliefs. Doing so not only benefits others but also enhances our own sense of honour and dignity.

Some of you may be thinking of where a mistake has led to irreversible changes. Admittedly, those can be hard to accept and live with. But, in the majority of situations, they were exactly that, ‘a mistake’ or sometimes you have been forced into a course of action that goes against your beliefs, as I was with my divorce. In the end I had no choice, unless I wished to witness the brutal demise of my son, but that is another story. However, whatever the situation, a mistake or forced moral choice, neither changes who we essentially are. It may alter our circumstances, but we are still the same valuable person and should always embrace the fact.

If you are struggling with self-respect, I suggest you take a close look in the mirror and recognise the person of value that you are. Do not let anyone take that from you. You are a worthwhile individual, and you do belong and have a valid place in this world.

Copyright © T. R. Robinson, all rights reserved

Disclaimer: I feel it appropriate to point out I am not a psychologist, therapist or anyone trained in those or in any other related discipline. The thoughts I have shared are based on my own personal experiences.

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